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22nd-Jun-2009 05:34 pm - i stole this from kayleigh.
i bolded the parts i felt really explained how i am feeling, and like kayleigh said, this will never cease to mystify me.

You feel worn out, physically and mentally. Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.

You are very talented, imaginative and sensitive but you are holding back as you do not really like going it 'on your own'. In preference you would like to team up with someone, someone with similar attributes as your own, to explore - to seek out and go perhaps 'where no other man has trod before'. It is the unusual that attracts you and which will give you a sense of excitement and adventure.

Everyone has to compromise at times and circumstances are such that at this time you are feeling the need to do just that. Put all of your hopes on the back burner and let matters flow for a time - forgo some of the things you want. The good times are just around the corner.

Inherent in you is suppressed agitation. This is due to the fact that you are finding it increasingly difficult, if not impossible to relax. You are driving yourself to a state which is possibly beyond the capacity of your resources. Of late you have been impatient, irritable and hectic. This situation is indicative of hypertension or other stressful disorders. An unsatisfactory state of some close association is intolerable. Trust and self-esteem have been lost and you feel that you are unable to do anything to restore the belief, affinity and mutual trust. You feel powerless to change the situation which is the result of complete and utter disharmony.

Circumstances are such that you have been exposed to considerable stress and tension, perhaps due to unfulfilled emotional needs. You would like nothing better than to escape from it all by retiring to some 'fantasy land' where you are permitted to RELAX and get back your strength

24th-Mar-2009 09:47 pm(no subject)
I am in love with this song.
I cant stop listening to it
Jason LeVasseur - The Steps of St. Patricks
4th-Nov-2008 09:55 am(no subject)
This morning I got up and voted in my first election.
i am ready for some change

Obama/Biden 08
10th-Sep-2008 04:37 pm - one month.
26th-Jul-2008 01:09 pm - because connie tagged me.
1. What are your reasons for having an LJ?
it's a way to just release everything and keep people i dont get to see often updated on my life...as well as me keeping up with theirs

2. What do you do before bedtime?
i brush my teeth, and its my favorite =]

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
oh wow, i have been thinking of marriage a lot because of my summer job that consists of shooting weddings, but i am not sure i have mine planned because i have no idea if i will ever get married

4. What is the city of your dreams and why?
Philadelphia. Why? because the second I see the city, even the skyline, i feel like i am home.

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
EXTROVERT....but sometimes introverted

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
i am more of a giver than a taker, so loving someone..

7. Do you trust easily?
sometimes too easily

8. What is your favorite time of day, and why?
when the sun starts to set and the sky is amazing colors.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
yes... but in order to know real happiness you have to have some unhappiness in there

10. What is your best quality?
i dont know... you tell me?

11. Is being tagged fun?
like this survey because it makes me realize people are thinking abou tme =]

12. How do you see yourself?
obnoxious (sometimes), not so much physically attractive - but personality wise, tall, a listener....

13. Who are currently the most important people to you?
i dont need to list because they already know

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Connie - sweet and kind (dot com)

15. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
married but poor.  my parents are happy, i am sure i would be the same

16. How many children do you want to have, if any?
i think i will make an excellent mother no matter how many kids i have

17. What's better, to give or to receive?

18. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
i dont think i could love two people at the same time.....

19. What would you do if you (or your girlfriend) became pregnant unexpectedly?
i dont know what i would do... i am not sure if i would cry... or stare at the pee stick...

20. What is your biggest fear?
dentist... fires...

21. If you were a song, or a piece of music, or if you could be any musical artist or any kind of music in the world, what or who would you be? And imagine we’ve never heard you before and tell us what you sound like.

something that when you heard it, you felt like you were home
13th-Jul-2008 12:29 am(no subject)

i would give anything to have that day in perkins back where you were in the booth behind me... and i should have said i was sorry.  i should have said that he wasnt worth what our friendship was.. i should have told you how i still thought about our time in wildwood.  do you remember dancing in the rain, and feeling like all of us there were the only ones who could feel that alive...and the boys that walked in our room when we were dancing around in our underwear to ask us to corn row their hair... or the time at the school dance when you introduced me to matt.... or all the times you made me meet your boyfriends and tell them the story of dancing on the beds in underwear because it was embarassing but it was you... you were the girl that was always happy. always had that smile on your face... the one that would light up rooms.

i remember waking up last year on the 13th... and finding out... i didnt know what to do... i couldnt breath and I swore they got it wrong, it couldnt be you... you were only 18, i had just seen you... i had just thought to myself that I needed to arrange a hang out with you.... it couldnt be you....

... and then i realized it was you...

it was that night i stood in front of your house that was burnt down... i laid a pink rose that said 18 forever... and fell to my knees and cried... it wasnt real to me... it wasnt at all...

... i went to your viewing and your rosary, but had no way of getting to your funeral because i had to work...

it took me almost six months to go visit you... and when i did there was snow and ice on the ground and i fell to my knees and cried again... like the stone made it real... seeing your name... and the dates made it real.... and it wasnt a dream anymore....but the visit still feels like a dream because i dont want to believe you are gone..

i want to believe i can go in bon ton and see you in the shoes.... i want to believe i will see you in eat n park and perkins and random places around town...

i want to believe you arent gone...

bu you are... and its always going to hurt... i have our memories... and this picture... the rest of the pictures from wildwood were lost... this is from a football game in high school...

i would give anything for another minute with you...

Kimberley Suzanne Sierzega - I wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from... but its not.  I miss you everyday.
17th-May-2008 09:16 pm(no subject)
i cant even describe last night, technically this morning. i know that no one wants to hear about matt. this is my journal though. and well, oh well.

yesterday was a bad day. things at home just broke my heart. my dad is off insurance (medical) and that means no physical therapy, no more medicine, no more doctors. i am scared. he is scared, whether he admits to it or not. i just know i want my dad here forever. I know that isnt possible, but still i love my dad.
also, i got my period yesterday. i cant even describe the agonizing pain i was in. i was throwing up, and curled in a fetal position. dad gave me a pain killer and it didnt really work, so it was bad. this is one of the reasons i was on bc in the first place, and and now that i am off of it because there is no point in taking something that doesnt work (i have been on antibiotics for about a month on and off)... so yeah it was shitty. just so much seemed to be going wrong. oh yeah!!! how in the world could i forget that i hit a car... mm yeah.. no damage to either cars but still... it sucked, it could have been a lot worse and i didnt even have my license with me, so yeah.
okay - so on to what made things good. my friends. michelle could tell i was upset she took me out. we got a sundae ,we talked and just chilled. then we went to tiffs house, and painted her toe nails for prom and laid around watching tv. 1.30 this morning matt picked me up. we went out to his house on the ride over he asked me what was wrong and i told him. he kept looking at me.. and i was really self-conscious. i didnt know why he kept looking at me. we got to his house, and it was chilly so we just sat on the couch in silence, cuddling and he kissed me. not much later he looked at me and i asked what... and he said this is the prettiest i have ever seen you look.. i just looked at him.. he has never told me that i am pretty to my face, he has said it in an i.m and i had to force it out of him... then later we were lying in bed and he was rubbing my back and he was like "roxy..?" and i said "yeah" and he asked why i am so self-conscious i said because i really dont like myself..he told me around him i dont need to be self-conscious because as he said it "i like you, i like all of you"...
i wanted to cry and i wanted to hate him at that moment instead i just kissed him...
he brought me home at five this morning.
i hate saying goodbye to him.
he told me he will be back at the end of the month and that friday night we will spend time together, that makes me happy =]

today i got up and went to tiffs house to get her ready for prom. she looked beautiful. i also helped paige. and went to see all of my lovely high school friends, some of my graduating class was there it was nice.

i miss you MU kids.... A LOT
16th-Apr-2008 12:41 am(no subject)
tongiht was lovely
until matt and i talked about him not coming back to dubois and possibly moving away
2nd-Apr-2008 02:31 am(no subject)
i am still crying
i am shaken up over a dream...

... it felt so real...
it felt like i was being held down... my arms...were over my head... and my bed was moving...
...i couldnt speak i kept trying to say savannah and i even was thinking...because i thought thats too long of a word...and i went to say HELP... an di couldnt really get that out but at that moment savannah sprung up in her own bed...and the pressure was released and i sat up and just cried...
.....i dont want to fall back asleep
18th-Feb-2008 11:49 pm(no subject)
i am starting to write again, it feels like my brain has exploded in pure euphoria. the way that the pen flows, and every single emotion and every single word that was trapped in my lungs is set free. i love the feeling. i love the feeling. i love the feeling.

or maybe it is just the fact i worked out for two hours, and i am having a rush from it...who knows.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.
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